Summer Systems

A few weeks ago, I let my house get really bad. Like, real bad. I was sick of cleaning up after everyone and so I took a long break. Finally, on the weekend, it reached the point where it was starting to feel very unsanitary and I decided that the next day, which was a Monday, I would dive in and deep clean the whole *darn* house. (I inherited this terrible tornado cleaning style from my beautiful mother, who is practically perfect in every other way.)

Well, it just so happened that a few dear friends from church came to my house during Sunday school and tidied up my living room and kitchen FOR me, as a kind service to me on my hardest day of the week. I don't think they were expecting what they walked in on. Needless to say I was 95% grateful and humbled by their service and 555% embarrassed that they saw the reality of my LIFE. So I did what anyone would do. I invited one of them (she's baby-sitting age) to come back and babysit for me the next Friday, giving me time to clean the entire house top to bottom so she would see that what she saw last Sunday was a FLUKE and I actually have total control over my house.

I worked so hard. It took me all week long to get the house back in order. Laundry was folded and put away (huge achievement), rooms were deep cleaned, vacuumed and dusted. I organized my office space! The bathroom was scrubbed and bleached and even my closet was walk-in-able again. The only part of the house that wasn't in pristine condition was a corner of the basement where we had a little leak from the rain and I had pulled out some bins and bags of winter clothing that were in a huge messy pile. And just to ensure that this girl--who had no idea how much I was trying to impress her--wouldn't see that mess, I told her not to let the kids go back there because of the leak.

We went out. All was well. I was so proud of myself. We get home and this sweet young woman tells me that the kids were great, except for one little hiccup. Eloise, my four year old, had disappeared for a while and they finally found her down in that one corner of the basement--you know, the messy corner. And on top of that, Eloise had been hoarding my chocolate coconut almonds down in that corner and had been so preoccupied with her mischievousness, that she POOPED right in that very spot, on the floor. So they saw the mess, they found the child, and there were feces on the floor.

I shall never redeem myself.

And so I've decided to step it up a bit in the house-keeping department. And it's about time I suck it up and let my kids get more involved as well.

And so, without further ado, I'd like to introduce....

Mrs. Lilywhite.

(That belly bump is a stuffed bunny, not a baby. Just to clarify.)

I told my oldest two girls that a certain "super clean" lady was going to come and see if they were doing their chores correctly and if everything was neat and tidy. She pops in as needed and is silly and very particular with how a room is cleaned. If it's not up to par, then she kisses you to death with her bright red lipstick and shows you how to do it right. They ate it up and were so willing to help me find props for this lady, who they named "Mrs. Lilywhite." And thus she was born.

Mrs. Lilywhite wears heels, a white glove, and brings her little dogs, both of which happen to be little purses so they double as a "gunny bag," who eats toys left out after clean up time. She re-applies her lipstick several times throughout her check of the house, so that she can really leave her mark.

Here they are, after their first visit with Mrs. Lilywhite. We had spent about an hour before she came doing morning order, and putting some more folded laundry away. If you look closely, you can see who requested kisses the most. (To see how we manage morning and bedtime order, read this post.)

Eloise looks forlorn for some reason. Maybe she's feeling guilty about the poop.

On top of Mrs. Lilywhite, I talked to my kids about how I need their help keeping the house clean, now that they are home all day and not at school. So on top of their usual morning and bedtime order, and Saturday zones, I would need them to help with some extra chores during the day as well. We decided to call them "happy helper chores." (Doesn't that just sound pleasant?). Ideally, they will do their morning order and then have a "happy helper chore" assigned by me. It varies depending on what needs attention on that particular day.

We have followed through with this plan for a week now and I'm happy to report that it ain't all that bad. They get paid an extra .25 cents for these tasks, or more depending on the job. (To see our family economy, read here.)

And despite our best efforts, our house can still go from this:

(our newly carpeted basement!)

To this:

(There's a few extra kids in there.)

But that's okay because we do LIVE HERE.

On top of keeping up with chores, we've been needing to review our family laws/consequences since we are together all day and sibling rivalry is at an all-time high. Here's what we're doing to help with PEACE in our home:

We use this chart on and off, but we have started again now that it's summer. Everyone starts out on awesome. If rules (at the top) are being broken, they move to warning, then "Antarctica," a place we go to cool off and feel better, and then eventually ten minutes in bed. 

This has worked pretty well for us.

We recently added a new family goal of "no hit backs." We've had a serious problem with retaliation lately and "getting even." Oh parenthood, you fine refining fire.

How are you keeping peace and order in your house? 

(Has your child ever pooped in your basement?)

Happy summer!

Inspiration Boards

I don't know about you, but by this time of year our New Year's resolutions have started to fade a bit. This is about the time when our systems tend to slip and my kids say stuff like, "Do I HAVE to practice violin??" and look at me like I'm speaking Japanese when I ask if they've brushed their teeth in the morning. How quickly we forget our goals! Plus, it doesn't help that the cold weather is coming back and suddenly my kids are fighting a lot more than usual (is this happening to anyone else?) Thus, inspiration boards. We actually made these at the end of January and then our world got turned upside down when Charlotte got sick, so now we are hanging them up on our bedroom walls and trying to get back to it.

 We made these as part of a family night activity, after we put the little kids to bed. The girls made their own and I put one together for the whole family. We had decided a few weeks prior what our goals were for the year, individually and as a family, and I wanted to have a way to display them so we wouldn't forget. And be inspired.

 Charlotte's goals are to learn how to rollerblade, get her back handspring on the floor, start her "Twinkles" in violin, and start to read chapter books! We found pictures on the internet that she liked and she chose the layout. 

 It was fun to see what Hazel came up with for her goals because she is a carbon copy of me as a child (maybe a little bit of an over-achiever?). The part I liked most was that she wanted to keep it to just three goals. She ended up with a few extras, mostly because her Dad and I are really pushing her to read more...

 Her goals include violin, learning to ride a bike, reading some good classics, and reading Preach my Gospel. But her number one goal was to come up with a list of alternative things to do when she feels bored or angry. Her list is as follows:

I need to make a similar list for myself.

And for our family goals:

We're working on memorizing the last three Articles of Faith, using our "happiness habits," and saving our money for a trip to Disneyland in the fall.

Still not sure where I'm going to display this sucker in the house...

(It's so very shiny!)

Do you have any creative ways of displaying your goals in your home?

Our Family Economy

As soon I as finished the Morning Order charts for my two and four year old, my two older daughters told me that they wanted the same for them. They were asking me for a new chore chart. How could I resist? We had used a great system for about two and half years and it had lost it's luster. We had recently switched to a worksheet where they would check off their daily tasks at the end of the day but I kept forgetting to print off a new one at the beginning of the week and it wasn't doing the job. So I was ready to try something that they were excited about. And all it takes is a file folder, markers, and scissors!

(I've started a terrible habit of taking my pics for these posts late at night, so again, sorry for the bad lighting...)

We had decided as a family two years back what their "daily tasks" should be. We made one small change this year to work better with our routine, but they work well for us. Here they are:

1. Morning Order

2. Practice Violin

3. Homework & 20 min Reading

4. Bedtime Order

*Extra*

They get paid .25 cents for doing each task without being nagged, giving them the opportunity to earn at least $6 a week. If they whine or complain about it, they won't get paid, but in the end, they still have to do it to have the privileges they want. They can do as many extra chores as they desire! We also challenge them to memorize an Article of Faith for their "extra" task. For additional motivation, we allow them to earn the "extra" task by merely completing all four daily tasks, as a bonus. 

In my book, you can never have enough incentives with this chore chart stuff. 

 We have a calendar hung above the charts where they record their earnings at the end of the day. I have them write their first initial, followed by the number of tasks they completed. 

  

 Today is day two with our new charts. Charlotte asked to do some extra tasks before dinner, which was new and a little thrilling...

   

 When it comes to your family economy, I think the most important thing to remember is to keep it simple. If your five year old can't explain it back to you, it's too complicated. 

 Second-most important? Change it up! These won't last forever. And that's ok. The lessons they're learning will last as will our system of working hard and reporting back at the end of the day.

What has worked for you and your family?

Morning Order Charts

I don't know about you, but I do NOT always enjoy mornings with my children. Lately, I've sacrificed a lot of sleep and have even moved my workout time (this is new) to 4:50 am at the gym so I can still come home and embrace the calm before the storm. As soon as I hear movement in the hallway upstairs, I tense. It starts with a race between my insomniac four year old daughter, who didn't actually FALL asleep until she played with every single toy in the room, and my two year old son who would probably sleep for two more hours but senses her arousal and rushes to keep up with her quick descent down the stairs. He greets me with a squinty plea for milk, she races to the iPad, and I head upstairs to wake my two oldest for school. The morning catches speed as I find every physical way possible to communicate to my daughters the need to hurry. it. along. I clap my hands really fast, I snap repetitively to accent each word, "GET (snap) YOUR (snap) SHOES (snap snap) ON (snap snap, snappity snap snap!). I have given up packing their lunches. I used to do the cutest things. I used to write notes on their napkins. Now I find myself shouting through the closing van door, "School lunch again!"

So thus, we have adopted and adapted and adjusted THE MORNING ORDER ROUTINE. I wouldn't live another day without it. It calms me. It grounds us, saves me from losing it (snap clap!), and creates HABITS that will some fine day kick in without my sing-songy (so I don't swear) reminders, over and over again, to please do this and that. I love morning order and keep reading, cause you will too.

The key is........start young.

 (I knew I had to write this post tonight or it wouldn't happen, so these pictures aren't pretty, but they'll do.)

The source of this Morning Order routine is Joy School, a taught-at-home preschool program for 3-5 year-olds that I've done with all of my kids. We teach thirteen "Joys," one of which is "Order and Goal Striving." This is where I first heard of Morning Order and several other tools that have helped us keep things cleaned up in our house.

 I actually taught the lesson on Morning Order TODAY and felt the need to share. The little pictures of their morning tasks are provided in the Joy School manual, which you purchase, but I'm sure you could find similar pictures online very easily. Usually we just have them paste the picture onto construction paper in the order THEY CHOOSE and they place a sticker next to the picture when they complete the task. This year, I wanted something that would last longer, but was still very simple to put together. I am NOT cutesy crafty when it comes to printing things off the internet.

 First, I printed the pictures for the kids and had them color them while we talked about each task. This is my four year old's, but she was way more interested in the snack than in coloring, so I finished them for her (in case you're impressed).

 All credit for this file folder idea goes to Amy at My Name is Snickerdoodle. Found it on Pinterest sometime around midnight last night. I cut off the top half of the file folder so you have the nice crease at the bottom and glued the pictures along that crease. Then I made the cuts in between the pictures so they each have a little "door" that can close when the task is done.

 I couldn't find double-sided velcro anywhere in my house, so I ended up cutting up a few Command Strips which work beautifully to make the doors stay closed. Then you get to write DONE! on the back.

I think it's very important to remember to let your child choose the order in which he does the tasks so he feels like he has choices, but I've found that once they understand what needs to be done, the order doesn't matter so much. We only needed the charts for a few weeks until they could remember well enough on their own what was to be done every morning to be ready for the day. My older girls have four tasks that must be completed each day for them to earn money. Morning Order is the #1 task. They still need prompts, but they know. (And that's the killer. You know they know.) 

Mornings can still have a rough start. But I love having a starting point to refer to. "Okay, time for Morning Order!" In our family, I help my school-aged kids complete their Morning Order, we eat breakfast together, then once they're off and I've recovered, I start again with the younger kids. I let them see me make my bed and put my pajamas away. It works well for us. Hope it helps you.

The Entitlement Trap: Book Review, Part One

Let me just tell you that this book is now one of my top three most favorite and life-changing parenting books. I've attended a hand-full of Power of Moms retreats that refer to Linda and Richard Eyre's programs for families and I've read a few of the Eyre's other books, and this one is the cream of the Eyre's expertise. In this post, I'm only referring to the first half of the book which is about The Trap of Entitlement and the Rescue of Giving Kids Financial and Material Ownership.

In preparation for my Power of Moms Mini Retreat on May 31st, I picked up this book to refresh my understanding of these powerful tools. (P.S. We are currently booked at the workshop, but if you're still really interested, email me!) I can't even tell you how badly I needed this book right now. We've had systems in place in the past, but I think we may have missed a very important point of those systems, and that is ownership.

 

"Giving kids true ownership offers them the chance to develop within themselves all of the qualities we want for them but can't give them." p. 25

This book points out that the reason we want to have a strong family culture, a system of rules and consequences, and a family economy is so that our children can gain a sense of ownership and equity in their own home.

"If the perception of ownership can be given to children, a sense of responsibility will follow, and a sense of pride, and a sense of purpose." p. 33

I want to focus this post on that first part of family systems that the Eyre's discuss in the book: Family Culture and Identity. Perhaps some of you grew up with strong family traditions, but this is quite foreign to me. I mean, the extent of my family culture was watching Friends on Thursday nights and gifting one another new socks at Christmas. And as silly as it sounds, those socks meant a lot to me. I looked forward every year to opening my new socks because it was "our thing." The tradition carried on even after I moved out of the house. Shortly after I was married, my parents divorced and the tradition stopped. It was hard for me to let that go (and my sock drawer suffered). I saw more clearly how traditions, even simple ones, can become a part of our own identity. Seven years after the divorce--just this last Christmas--my sixteen year old brother gifted me a nicely wrapped box of socks. And I cried. I love that even though he was young when that tradition was alive in our home, he still remembers it and wants to keep it alive.

One of my greatest desires as a parent is to be deliberate. I want to have a plan. By developing a strong family culture, we can give our kids a sense of identity and ownership in the home that will withstand outside influences such as media and peers.

"Our job is to create a family culture that is strong enough that it can, when necessary, supersede and override all the other cultures..." p. 55

Who knew you could have a family mission statement?! Or a family motto, a family song, t-shirts, yearly themes, weekly family meetings, a mascot, dinner games, movie nights, unique holiday traditions, a family flag, and even your own "secret codes" for communication.

"Our kids need the gift of a strong and personal identity, and parents are the ones who can give it. Children need roots before they can develop wings." p.43

The Eyres suggest having regular discussions about your own ancestors and learning more about your family's roots. They discuss the power of traditions both big and small, family symbols and culture, and having weekly meetings where your kids can participate in making decisions, solving problems, and discussing values.

So, wait. Slow down. Before we all get overwhelmed, just know that these things take time to develop. Lots of time. And that's okay right? The point is to just get started. We've been working on improving our family culture for the past year with our LITTLE ones and here's a few simple things we've started that have really worked:

A Family Motto

(This is the best picture I could get of us doing our motto, but David was at a meeting, 
I was taking the picture, and Edison would simply not participate)

My husband and I chose three of the most important characteristics we wanted our kids to develop and created our motto based off of those three things:
"Phipps are Kind, Phipps are Obedient, Phipps are Brave,
 and Phipps like spicy food!"
The latter part of the motto came along when our girls would label any type of food they didn't like, "spicy." So we started saying, "Phipps like spicy food. Eat up!"
We recite our motto every night before bed after we say family prayers. We usually try to put all of our hands on Edison's head, just for fun, but he usually wiggles away.

Snuggle Time

This year I started a tradition of having a "snuggle time" with each of my kids about once a week. They get to stay up a few minutes extra for a story of their choice, some delicious tea, and one-on-one with mom. They get to stay up later, I get some relaxing tea and snuggles; it's a win-win. We always end with our secret handshakes, which are getting longer and more complicated with time:)

Family Trophies

 These are our family trophies. Their purpose is to reinforce our family motto and reward our kids for their extra efforts during the month to be kind, obedient, and brave. It's a great opportunity for positive reinforcement. I even keep a notebook where I take note of good behavior so we can read out loud what they did specifically to earn the trophy (sometimes I forget to write it down and just pretend to read, relying on my memory). Dad is in charge of handing out the trophies and he makes it a really big deal. We give them out at family night once a month and our kids seriously act like they just received an Emmy, gracing us with a bow and a big smile as we applaud loudly!

 It's not always perfect. Charlotte (in the middle) is pouting here because she really wanted the Obedience trophy. (And I will explain why Eloise is dressed as a Nephite in just a minute).

 Eloise with her Kindness trophy.

Phippsite Nite
(Definition of "ite":a suffix of nouns denoting especially persons associated with a place, tribe, leader, doctrine, system, etc.)

 In January of this year, we started a tradition of having PHIPPSITE NITE on the last Monday of every month. We are currently reading the stories in the Book of Mormon every night with our children and Phippsite nite is an opportunity for them to get dressed up in robes and blankets and act out those stories. We keep it really simple and so far, it's been a hit.

This is the story of wicked King Noah (my husband, in my pink robe) and Abinadi (Hazel, preaching adamently).

There are so many fun things you can do that really don't take too much planning and/or effort to get started. My trophies were around $7 each online and the personalized engravings were free. Snuggle time really only takes ten to fifteen minutes extra and oftentimes we don't finish the tea and I'll let them take it to bed in a sippy cup. We've recently started a family movie night on Friday nights where we have pizza (Freschettas from the freezer folks), Rootbeer, and a family classic I find at the library.

Of course it could be easy to go overboard with traditions, especially the ones that surround holidays. My philosophy is that if it causes me more stress than fulfillment, it's not worth it. I've found that my kids cling to these traditions already and will remind us about them if we ever forget.

"Kids need to feel ownership or equity in their own family. If they feel like unvalued, unconsulted employees or like pawns on a chessboard, both their security 
and their sense of responsibility will suffer" p.44

Hoorah for a healthy family culture. Hope you got some good ideas.