Children

 

I've seen this picture floating around the blogosphere and I think it's hilariously accurate. I love that she's missing a shoe and has a popsicle stick in her hair. As mentioned in my last post, I'm a single mother for the next two weeks. I know there are many of you out there who do this all the time and to YOU, I tip my hat because it is quite difficult for me to take care of these little ones alone. We have chosen to keep our kids close in age and we're aiming to have a good lot of them, so I do hear people say, "I don't know how you do it." And quite honestly I don't do it alone, that's how I do it. My husband and I have worked out this wonderful agreement where he stops working at 5pm (there are exceptions) and takes over for at least an hour while I retreat to the kitchen to prepare dinner. During this time I am "unavailable" for questions, requests, cries for assistance, diaper changes, etc. This is what saves me. Then we do dinner and bed time together and eventually crash on the couch and pretend we don't hear the shouts for a fourth glass of water coming from upstairs. My husband finishes any work for that day on his computer while I blog, tidy up, or stare at the TV peacefully until we head to bed. It's a good routine and I'm grateful for his help.

I've been trying to stick to our routine to keep things as normal as possible for our family while Dad is gone. I have so many projects I'd like to finish (which now includes painting a set of bunkbeds) but at the same time I have three kids! Today after Joy school, I decided to rake some of the leaves in our back yard into piles for my girls to jump in. Before I could finish, Charlotte said she was cold and wanted to go inside. While I stripped off her sandy clothes (why did we get a sandbox??) and helped her go to the bathroom, Hazel came in and asked me to rake all my piles into ONE big pile and jump in them with her. Then I heard Eloise wake up from her nap upstairs while Charlotte was begging for food. I turned to my sweet four year old and cried, "Sometimes being a mom is really hard! I can't do everything at once!"

There are definitely times when I feel outnumbered. I reach my limit mentally and physically and it takes all my power to maintain my cool in the midst of the storm. I don't want to be a mean mom. I'm betting on the fact that I'm not the only one who feels witchy sometimes, but I hate it when I lose my cool in front of my kids. I'd rather lose it in my closet where I can cry my eyes out while sitting in my laundry basket with my mom on the phone. I've worked really hard to limit the yelling in our house and when I mess up, I always apologize. But there's always room for improvement. Like bedtime, for example. I often hear of other moms talking about their routines and traditions such as a special song they sing to their kids or conversations they have about their highs and lows that day. There are nights where I get to do those things with my kids, but lately I've felt lucky if they get a kiss from me because I'm so DESPERATE for them to be unconscious so I can get a break. Have you ever skipped pages of their story, hoping they won't notice? Or read the story in a monotone and speedy voice because you are too NUMB and tired to care?


Tonight I came up to sleep at my in-laws who live close by. We did baths and stories and then it was bedtime. My two year old, Charlotte, was having a tough time and while my mother-in-law tucked Hazel in, I took Charlotte in my lap and rocked her in a comfy rocking chair. I can't remember the last time I've done that with her--in fact, yes I can. It was when I was about to have Eloise any day and I wanted to soak in every minute with Charlotte as my "baby" before another came along. It felt so good to cuddle with her before bed and talk about her day and what we were going to do tomorrow. That one-on-one doesn't happen every night, but it sure feels good when I can squeeze it in.

And so in conclusion, I'm deciding not to feel guilty about not being the perfect mother who rocks each of her children every night and is patient and calm all the time. I did hear a story from my mom about one of her neighbors who has a couple of small children and a husband that travels often (shoot me). This woman confessed about a day last week when she was overwhelmed and her children were out of control. Her little boy, age 4 or 5, wasn't listening to anything she was asking him to do so she finally took his favorite nerf football and ripped it into pieces. When that got his attention, she said, "How does it feel when someone is doing something that upsets you?!" Of course he was devastated and she felt HORRIBLE and guilty for losing her temper and ripping that football into shreds (she said she even took a bite out of it with her teeth). I found that story so comforting and hilarious because believe it or not, moms are HUMAN! I think those stories need to be passed along more frequently to dispell the idea that every other mom is better than you. (And maybe every mom should have some spare nerf balls on hand to rip into on the hard days.)

 I do my best. And that's enough. My greatest desire is to be a good mom for my children and hopefully that desire will continue to push me in the right direction. And on the bad days, I'll just dig my teeth into that nerf ball and endure to the end.